Admittance

Healing Series: The Journey that Breeds Purpose

Step 2: Admittance

“God cannot heal what you do not reveal”

The Preface

“Mommy my leg really hurts!!” is what my nephew Trey said to his mother. He had mentioned it hurting the previous week but he was moving around so much that she thought it felt better, but the look in his eye this time showed her that he was serious. She took him to the doctor and they quickly did what they could to identify the source of his pain. My sister began wishing that she had taken him to the doctor sooner. I told her that, “It’s okay, he continued to move around so there was no way of you knowing how much pain he was actually in. He’s also a child and he did not know that moving around on his hurt leg would eventually make his injury worse.”

As soon as I released that out of my mouth, I realized I was just like my nephew. I was broken but moving around with wounds as if nothing was wrong. The façade was clear and I had convinced the people around me that I did not feel pain. I moved around even after admitting that I was broken because I honestly did not know the next step after Awareness. I lacked the spiritual maturity to understand that sitting still would help more than avoiding it would. So here I was knowing I was broken asking for healing but I had not yet told God what/where it hurts.

Below I talk about the stages my nephew experienced in his healing process that can relate to the spiritual and emotional healing I experienced in my journey and could hopefully speak to yours as well:

Pain Tolerance

I asked my sister why she thinks my nephew Trey went a week without expressing his pain, she told me that he has always had a high pain tolerance for his age. I thought about my own pain tolerance that I had built especially in the past few years. I had lost 3 family members, moved from a city that I loved, far from family and friends, career choices being questioned, barely staying afloat in school, mental health diagnosis, relationships on the rocks, and trying to maintain the façade that I was okay.  I had seemingly built up a tolerance for the pain in my life, so much so that I became numb, which consequently kept me ignorant to the severity of my own pain. While there were small moments that I would feel the sting, I moved around so much that the stings became something that I could take in stride. Trey did the same as he continued to play around despite his injured leg, even though there were moments of pain (where they would wrap and ice his leg), he did not sit still enough to actually feel it. It wasn’t until the stings became unbearable did he finally cry out for help. Now it was my time to cry out for help but as I did that, God constantly asked me “where exactly does it hurt?” I kept saying “My heart is broken!” and once again I was asked, “Where does it hurt?”

The X-Ray

As soon as my sister got Trey to the hospital and explained that he was complaining of leg pain, they assessed the situation and eventually took an X-Ray of his leg to locate the problem. The X –Ray gives the doctor a better picture of what is going on internally with the body that could not be physically seen by the naked eye. After the scan was done, they were able to identify the location of his affliction and diagnosed him with a Tibia Fracture. I was so used to avoiding my pain and acting like I was okay, that when it came time to admit where, I struggled to find the words to express that pain. Though I had built a relationship with God, there weren’t too many moments of transparency with God or with people, my relationships were surface level. Sometimes our own struggle to express ourselves in the way we need to can keep us from receiving healing. I assumed that because God knows all and sees all that my confession would be pointless but it was as if he needed my confession before he could take an X-Ray of both my mind and heart to locate each source of pain. I realized that my transparency with him was necessary in this journey if I wanted anything in my life to change. I began telling him where, what, and why everything I had been going through hurt me. I even took the time to express my frustration with him. I told him that I did not understand why he had to close some doors, why did I have to experience heart break on more levels than one, and why the changes/transitions in my life seem to hurt me more than help. When I did that, he started to reveal to me that much of what I was feeling had come from thinking that I was in control of life, moving prematurely, and not heeding countless signs he would send to warn me of upcoming danger. While some of the things were of my own doing, there was some that the purpose in the pain that he had to still reveal to me.

The Cast

After the doctor’s diagnosis of Trey’s Tibia Fracture, they decided to place a cast on his leg. Thankfully his age made this healing process easier. Children’s bones are still forming and growing so fractures or tears are easier to repair in a child than it does an adult. Now that I had come to a place of Admittance, I thought that I could still move at the same pace while God took the time to heal me. I was quickly faced with the reality, I too needed a cast around the broken parts of me. The cast makes the bone stable enough to regenerate cells so that it can heal. God was revealing to me the importance of sitting still in my own healing, which was hard for me because I was so used to moving around that the thought of stillness was foreign. I had to get off social media because there is nothing worse than seeing everyone’s highlight reel while God is taking you through your own Director’s Cut. I had to stop going out as much, the lunch dates had to pause, and I could not allow myself to do the same things I was doing, the social coping had to end. In spite of the discomfort and fear that it presented, just as the cast forced Trey to sit still, my process was forcing me to as well.

The Timing

The doctor placed the cast on Trey’s leg for 8 weeks, which was hard for him as a growing young boy who wanted to move around at his own pace. He was now forced to learn to live with the cast that was healing his leg. I wanted to so badly to stay in the comfort of my pain but I recognized what was available to me and forced myself to sit in that. Every time I would try to operate at my usual level, I was so uncomfortable in conversations and settings that it honestly felt better for me to get used to being set apart and isolated for this season. I have always questioned the timing of things even as a child I was the one who constantly asked, “Are we there yet?” This process was no different, I kept asking God, “How long will I have to stay in this position?” There were countless times my pillow was filled with tears and my misunderstanding of this process caused so much frustration but just as Trey did, I had to learn that my healing would be uncomfortable.

Am I really healing?

After the 8 weeks were over, Trey went to the doctor to have another X-Ray and they determined that he still need more time to heal. They placed a boot on his leg for the next 2 weeks, which he was upset about. He could not understand why it was taking him so long to move around normally again. As I mentioned previously, I have always questioned timing and never been the most patient person so this process was difficult for me. I was used to being social, doing what I wanted, living how I wanted, and operating at the level I was comfortable with. As soon as I begin to feel a little progress in my healing, I wanted to be done with the journey and thought I was ready to move forward. Reality quickly told me that I was not and that this integral process would take as long as it needed to.

The Aftermath

The next 2 weeks zoomed by for Trey and he was finally about to get his boot off. While many emotions filled his little heart, the one that showed through was fear. He had now began to be afraid to have nothing on his leg after 10 weeks of healing. He had become comfortable being in the isolated position and learned to move around with these things in place. I too felt like Trey as I started to get into a better place in my process and I was so apprehensive to start operating at a normal level that I honestly had to change what my normal was. It wasn’t that God wanted me to stay isolated for a long time, he just wanted to help me find the balance between who I was transitioning from and how I now needed to operate moving forward.

Here's a picture Trey thriving with his healed leg and putting it to use with Soccer :)

Admittance is one the hardest steps because you are finally releasing all that you have been harboring inside. As soon as you reveal, everything is now on the surface and there will be moments that you do not know what to do in this new found truth. The secret is to know that you are not doing this alone, God is with you and willing to mend every broken part of you as long as you hand it to him. Even through the difficulty, this Healing Journey is worth it as purpose lingers on the other side.

Stay tuned for the next step as we talk about the part we play in our own brokenness.