The Year of NO
The Year of NO
“No.” Such a simpleword that means so much. For children, it is a way for them to celebrate theirnewly found independence. It is a healthy, normal part of a child’s growingautonomy. No is a way for children to assert their power and it usually getsthe attention of the adults around them. Toddlers are beginning to feel big andare learning just how far their independence will take them with the simplephrase of “No!” But somewhere between this stage and adulthood, we began togive less power to those two letters. No longer is our independence asimportant to us. A fear sets in and we start to generally ascribe to yesbecause:
We became afraid to use no.
We lost confidence in the ability of itsstrength.
We started to account more for others’feelings instead of our own.
We started to make excuses as to why no isn’tnecessary in some cases.
We thought that our no would be more hurtfulthan our yes.
When quite frankly all of the above mentioned isthe opposite. If you rarely say no, you open yourself up to the overextensionof yourself, which will cost you your well-being.
While I was aware thatlearning the importance of saying “No,” was essential to my success, thatlesson was tested as I ended 2017 and entered into 2018. I realized just howmuch being a “Yes” woman exhausted me in every area of my life. I finally hadthe time to search those very areas and below I share how each pushed me toonce again embrace the same independence as a woman that I had as a toddler.
Deposits
“You are pouring from an empty cup and if you don’tstop, everyone around you will accomplish their dreams except you,” was the advicethat one of my good friends gave me. It was the realest advice I have everreceived because it was true and though hearing it hurt, I needed to hear it.He was right, I was so eagerly pouring into everybody around me that I hadnothing left to give myself. I was pouring into my family, my friends, myrelationship, my mentees, the students I worked with both former and present,and anybody else that I happened to attract. The fact is I was saying “Yes” toeverybody, ready and available to be whatever and whoever they needed me to be.I didn’t realize how many roles subconsciously I had taken on until I wasexhausted. “No” was a foreign word to me when it came to pouring into othersbecause I felt that it is what I was supposed to do. I told myself that if Ican be there, I should be. I rarely took the time to see that if I am empty,how I could be of any assistance to anybody else. If I am being honest, maybe Ifelt inadequate in other parts of my life so in the areas I felt I had controlover should be given my full attention. I made myself to be a resource foreverybody and while this is not necessarily a bad thing, the moment you makeyourself available to that you have to maintain that character even when you donot want to. No one even asks to be poured into but because of who I am when Isee the need, I want to repair what so clearly needs to be fixed. This was my reality and in order to pour backinto myself, I had to start saying “No”. I had to stop being so easilyaccessible. For a while, I felt bad because I could not be there for otherslike I usually had been but I was reminded that I need me just as much as theyneed me if not more. I essentially learned to say “No” to the constant depositsinto those around me and chose to start depositing that same energy into myself.
Attraction
Both your brokenness and healing will attract people to you.They are either attracted/relating to what inside you is broken or they areintrigued by your strength. When you’ve been blessed with a big heart andyou’ve done the intentional work to heal, your minimum requirement whenentering both friendships and relationships is they need to be on that road aswell. It is okay to help others but learn to give people the tools so that theycan guide themselves. Just as a mother initially breastfeeds and/or usesformula until they transition to table food that is exactly how you have tofeed into others. Eventually the mother has to wean the baby off breast milkbecause when they are receiving from her, it can deplete her energy. Not onlydoes it deplete her energy, the baby needs to become independent enough to eatand feed themselves. We have to do the same and learn to wean ourselves off ofthe dependency of always being there for other people and extending resourceswe may not even have for ourselves. As you are still gaining the discernment onwhat and who to pour into, be careful as a broken person could be a distractionin this season. You will attempt to heal and rescue them if you haven’t learnedthe discernment you need to with the heart you have. Start to identify the typeof people you are attracting to gain guidance on what is best for you in eachseason. Begin to say “No” to the wrong things you attract so that you can haveroom to attract all that is for you.
Heart
Proverbs 4:23 reads “Above all else, guard your heart,for everything you do flows from it.” I have always taken pride in how balancedmy mind and heart have been or so I thought. I realized that because of how bigmy heart is, I have not always guarded in the way that I should. I came to seethat I have allowed it to say “Yes” to things that were illogical. I allowedemotions to drive many of the yeses especially when it came to matters of theheart. I thought that people deserved more time, chances, and energy justbecause of how I felt about them never realizing how I was hurting myself inthe process. I allowed my heart to stay in friendships and relationships forthe sake of the other person’s feelings, neglecting my own. The heart issensitive and pure, which is why God told us to guard it but no one everteaches you how to find the balance between guarding and allowing yourself tofeel love. I always found myself on the opposite ends of the extreme, rarely inthe middle. Even when life caused people to walk out of my life or situations pushedthings to shift around me, I realized just how hard it was for my heart to nolonger say “Yes” to those things and people. I had to learn in my healing how importantit was for me to say “No” in order to move forward with all of my heart withnothing holding me back.
Purpose
A purpose is the reason for which something is createdor exists. Saying “Yes” to everything and everybody around you doesn’t leaveyou the energy to say “Yes” to yourself or God. The things you are constantlypouring into leaves you less time to fulfill the purpose destined for you. Ibelieve that each of us have a purpose over our lives and there are thingsattached to it that have a window of time in which we have to work towards it.Some of us have yet to identify what our purposes are nor have we taken theintentional time with God for him to guide us to it. We are so burdened, busy,and distracted pretending to live our best lives with no real purpose drivingus. I realized that if I am living aimlessly with no purpose driving me, it isin fact my worst life. I had to get completely in tune with my inner self andbe motivated by things that were destined for me. I had to decipher thedifference between my destiny and wants knowing that one led me down the rightdirection while the other did not. I had to learn to say “No” to everythingthat dared distract me from what God had for me so that I have the room to say“Yes” to that very purpose. Your purpose deserves the “Yes” but you first haveto say “No” to the things that take you from it.
The NOs are necessary forthe Right YES
Learning to say “No” has been one of the hardestlessons I’ve had to learn in this season and I will be honest that it has mademe quite uncomfortable. Once I put all of this into perspective and learned tomake my self-care a priority; it made sense. When you truly love and care about your well being, learning this lesson is a necessity. If I do not start saying anintentional “Yes” to the right things, I will remain stagnant in my journey. Irealized that my heart, mind, and soul matters just as much as the peoplearound me. I also came to grips that the full cup that God made for me was forme but if I am being careless with it, then I am wasting away what he created to deposit into my own calling and purpose. I had to let go of the fear of disappointing others and learn toappreciate who I am/what I can give. In addition to that, I had to get over myfear of what will happen when I completely submitted and said “Yes” to my dreamsso essentially I had to start saying “No” to fear and doubt. Saying “No” startsto shift the things around you so that you can be led to the things that you needto walk into.
In 2018, take this new beginning to start placing boundaries inyour life so that you have the room to pursue every dream on your heart. YourPURPOSE depends on you learning to say “NO.”